The growth of gender movements has brought attention to a significant issue: gender-based violence. The vast majority of articles, campaigns, and awareness initiatives are aimed at talking about the violence against women at the hands of men and female empowerment.
However, there’s a huge area that’s left in the dark regarding gender-violence and that’s as important to study and spread awareness of. Traditional gender roles have found not one but TWO more ways of naturalizing violence against men that have led to very alarming consequences and needed to be addressed yesterday.
To explain these concepts and be able to spread some awareness, I will introduce you to a concept called “The Triad of Male Violence.” Bear in mind that this IN NO WAY aims to make anyone feel like they are solely responsible for the things detailed here. Rather, it aims to show how the deck is stacked against us since the start, and how the things we are taught to do as normal come with huge risks and even higher costs. Awareness of this gives us true choice.
What is the meaning of the Triad of Male Violence?
The Triad of Masculine Violence is a concept that explains how, to feel masculine, we are taught by society to commit violence in different ways against 3 groups (according to Kaufman, 1994 “The Construction of Masculinity and the Triad of Men’s Violence”):
- Ourselves
- Other men
- Women and minorities.
These first two are the ones that I see repeatedly ignored in most media and conversations about gender.
In this article, I will focus on Violence Against Oneself, providing resources to recognize it, reflect upon it, and foster positive change for all of us.
How does violence against oneself manifest?
Traditional masculinity teaches men one thing in particular: be masculine by every means necessary, and absolutely never, NEVER be unmasculine. It also associates behaviors, activities and characteristics with being masculine or the opposite, with being weak or being feminine (most of the time these two are interchangeable).
Here is a list of behaviors that are usually associated with being masculine:
- Being able to hold your liquor
- Having experience with different drugs
- Practicing (unsafe) sex with lots of partners
- Driving very fast
- Being able to tolerate pain and even embrace it (“No pain, no gain” type mantras)
- Have unwavering confidence in their stance on a topic (to the point of fanatism sometimes)
- A very ripped physique
- Practice contact sports
- Like and use guns
- Perform high-risk job positions
Now, let’s see in a more descriptive way how having those things be seen as masculine makes us actively harm ourselves. Strap in, this is gonna be a doozy:
Holding your liquor and it’s consequences
Media and culture have done an excellent job at portraying alcoholism as something positive and even natural in males. Scene of Vikings coming home from a battle? They are gonna be drinking. Where does the cowboy find his nemesis? At a Saloon with everyone drinking, gambling and playing with hookers. Terminator needs some clothes? Biker bar with rough-looking men who are all brooding and looking tough while drinking between themselves.
It’s a constant among most male stereotypes in fiction. Stereotypes that we are fed constantly, persistently. Music and videogames show this as well (LMFAO – Sorry For Party Rocking, the Project X movie or Red Dead Redemption) have made sure we associate the time of our lives or being strong and powerful with alcohol consumption.
A global study published by The Lancet in 2017 sheds light on alcohol consumption trends. It revealed that on average, women consumed 4.2 liters of pure alcohol per capita per year, while men consumed 8.7 liters. More than DOUBLE the amount.
But wait, there’s more. The study also revealed another alarming statistic: disability-adjusted life-years (DALYs) due to alcohol consumption. These basically are wasted years due to injury or illness. For men, the percentage of DALYs attributed to alcohol-related disabilities and deaths was 5.3%, compared to 2.6% for women. Here are some additional findings that also relate to this “masculine” activity:
For Men
- 23.3% of DALYs due to liver cirrhosis.
- 16.2% of DALYs due to traffic accidents.
- 12.8% of DALYs due to cancers.
For Women
- 16.5% of DALYs due to liver cirrhosis.
- 10.8% of DALYs due to traffic accidents.
- 9.2% of DALYs due to cancers.
These numbers paint a starkly different picture from what we often see in TV shows and movies, don’t they?
Psychonauts? We don’t think so
Men are more likely to abuse substances, in general due to peer pressure or as a coping mechanism. It’s like being at a party where everyone’s taking a shot, and you don’t want to be the odd one out. Sometimes, guys might think, “If my buddies are doing it, why not me?” Especially if one lacks that feeling of being accepted and integrated due to bullying or social anxiety. But hey, just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you.
And the thing is, once an addiction settles in, because of this idea of “never showing that we are hurting” we barely ever go to the medical resources available to us to get better and overcome it.
Without further ado, I share with you the data provided by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, which are quite revealing regarding how we compare to the other sex:
Clearly, something exclusive or more common in men is turning us into addicts more and more.
Does it matter how many girls you’ve been with?
In most animal species, the costs associated with reproduction differ between the sexes: females often benefit most from producing high-quality offspring, while males often benefit from mating with as many females as possible. As a result, males and females have evolved profoundly different adaptations to suit their own reproductive needs. But we’re not animals, are we?
In the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3), men reported a mean of 14.14 lifetime partners; women reported 7.12.
From a sociological point of view, guys chasing after lots of romantic adventures can be seen as a mix of cultural, social, and evolutionary factors. We’ve all seen it: being recognized as a ladies’ man has been the ultimate badge of honor for us. Even throughout history great conquerors would have big harems at their disposal. It’s proof of us having been chosen over other males, of “winning” where they have lost, of being better than them. It’s also a measure of success – even today in some circles, the more “conquests” you have, the cooler you are. And if we lag behing, boy does that feel like the worst thing ever. Sometimes we believe we’ll never measure up, that we’re broken from the get go and dating is a realm beyond our reach. That’s why we gotta do anything and everything to pump our numbers high, higher than our opponents AND our friends (because sometimes those two feel like the same).
But here’s the problem: It’s a rat’s race. No matter how much external validation one seeks this way, the more you get into this rabbit hole the more you’re gonna feel like it’s never enough. I recommend Macabre Storytelling’s “The Doomed Quest” Chapter in his video about Male Dating about how after having the skills to consistently pick up girls and get sex whenever he wanted, his life spiraled into copious amounts of drinking. He pushed away friends and family and got stuck with senseless sex that ended up with him beating himself up into a concussion out of frustration and a sense of void. Basically, he had it way worse than BEFORE he got into dating, when the idea of so much sex seemed like an utopia.
It’s not the first time I hear this story, where someone puts all their eggs on baskets outside of him instead of facing whatever issues are inside. When that constant stream of validation isn’t there and they are left with only themselves, THEN they are forced to look inside and they find a void staring back, an empty space that has nothing going on for them, an impostor that’s liked only by those around him.
Add to that, playing fast and loose with love comes with risks. Unprotected sex or casual encounters increases the likelihood of exposure to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancies. It’s like playing Russian roulette with STIs and surprise babies.
Is it any wonder then, that the male half is doing much worse in STD cases than the female half in many of them (Rates per 100,000 people in the US, by the CDC):
But we also know that if the opposite happens, if a guy can’t get sex as much as they’d like, then that’s also bad! Or it feels that way because you are not being a virile, successful man™. And you are told that it’s completely YOUR fault, YOU did this to yourself (even though no one was around you when you were little to actually teach you how to engage in social activities and form friendships properly.) which easily leads to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. This can contribute to a cycle of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. On top of all that we already have, who needs that extra kind of pressure?
We all want to get home safely
Masculinity is tied to ideas of being a risk taker, flirting with danger and always coming out on top. Taking what can be perceived as excessive care in something is mocked or associated with cowardice. What does this cause?
That men are about three times more likely to be involved in fatal road crashes compared to women. It’s a serious issue that we need to talk about, and the World Health Organization has some really important data on this.
One of the big reasons for this is speeding. Even a small increase in speed can dramatically increase the risk of a crash. For every 1% increase in mean speed, there’s a 4% increase in the risk of a fatal crash and a 3% increase in the risk of a serious crash. That’s ridiculous.
But there’s another factor we need to consider: using your phone while driving. Drivers who use their mobile phones are approximately four times more likely to get into a crash compared to those who don’t. It’s not just about holding the phone either – even using hands-free devices isn’t much safer. Texting while driving is especially dangerous and significantly increases the risk of a crash.
Insurance data also tells us that men are 10% less likely to wear seat belts than women. We also get way more DUI than women, (3 of 4 DUI are male offenders). Wouldn’t be surprised if we also skipped signs and not used turn signals more often as well. We’ve been taught to have a devil-may-care attitude about ourselves, and data shows we are paying the price for it.
No pain, no gain
Since we were kids, we were taught to keep our emotions in check and show off our physical toughness and stoicism. That means a lot of guys grow up thinking that enduring pain is a sign that they’re tough and manly. The very first result of “sports injuries by sex” leads me to a study about kids where boys had twice the amount of injuries than girls.
But here’s the thing: glorifying pain like this? It actually does the opposite, it weakens us. Every pedagogical study has shown consistently that violence, tough love, or anything related stunts intellectual, physical and emotional development in humans. It also stops us from getting help when they need it, whether it’s for medical stuff or dealing with mental health issues, because we gotta “push through the pain”. And that leads to some serious problems down the road. A broken limb that”s left to heal on its own won’t heal better, faster or become stronger than before; it will heal incorrectly and be more brittle. Proper care with a health professional cna lead us to full recovery. Now, apply that same idea to every aprt of our body and you’ll see why this attitude of shoudlering pain by myslef is so problematic.
Mansplaining even to other men
You know how our society treats mistakes as something shameful? If you get anything wrong you’ll be mocked and humiliated, that’s what we learn in school and then see in every social media argument happen. So, as a survival mechanism, we learn the opposite: to always project confidence and demonstrate expertise even in things we’ve never heard about. That’s called “mansplaining” and it’s when we start lecturing people, even other guys, like we’re the know-it-all gurus of the universe without anybody asking us to.
You’ve seen this happen: You are talking about a subject with people and one guy’s (your dad, a friend, etc.) suddenly “This is happening because of X”, and no matter how many people tell him that “actually it’s something else”, no matter how good of a tone and how much patience you use, he’s gonna triple down on his position and never back down. Even to the point of starting arguing or even insulting anyone who dares oppose him. That’s how insidious it is.
Get in the game
When it comes to sports, guys tend to gravitate towards the contact-based ones. It’s all about getting up close and personal on the field or the court. Guess who sustains the most and worst injuries in sports baby. That’s right, it’s all us again.
Now, when we talk injuries, we’re talking about acute trauma injuries that can really put you out of commission. Studies have shown that male athletes are more likely to face these kinds of injuries compared to their female counterparts. That’s why there are advocacy groups against American Football, or why great boxers like Mohammed Ali are prone to developing incurable brain diseases like Parkinson, and more, and much more…
TYL: Most of these injuries happen during the opening or closing 15 minutes of the game. That’s when things get real intense, and the rough play kicks into high gear.
Let’s talk about guns
Guns are a symbol of power, of might. It can speak louder than words in many situations and it’s the number one problem-solver in movies. This is so ingrained in our brains that just holding one elicits feelings of power and control. In 2022, a survey in the United States uncovered some interesting facts about who owns guns. Guys, I know you’ll be surprised, but which sex owns the most guns?
That’s right, it’s us again! Yaaay! It turns out that men were more likely than women to have their own gun or live in a house where there’s a gun around. At that time 46% of American guys had their very own firearm, while only 21% of women could say the same.
Now, here’s where things get interesting. Women are more likely than men to say they own a gun for protection only. About a quarter of gun-owning women (that’s 27%) fall into this category, compared to just 8% of men. So we are more likely to use it for other things like recreation, hunting, etc. Wanna see how that pans out?
*Hunting accidents predominantly involve men. In Sweden for example: 96% of the victims were male and all shooters were male.
*The vast majority of victims of unintentional shootings are male. In 2019, 90% of unintentional gun death victims were male. For both self-inflicted and other-inflicted unintentional gun deaths, the lowest percentage of male victims occurs in the youngest age group: those 0 to 9 years old.
*Suicide by gun is extremely more common in men than women: In 2019 about 7,500 took their lives with a gun compared to a whoping 45,000 men.
Not gonna get into which sex is more likely of murder, gun crime or mass shooting (spoiler: it’s still us) as that falls into the next part of this triangle of violence: violence against other Men.
So, what’s the takeaway? Well, guns being normalized as a masculine thing leads to a lot of negative results for us. One time I was part of a group for men’s mental health where a member had an extremely traumatic situation behind him: He unintentionally shot their child. They didn’t survive.
I don’t wish that even on my worst enemy.
High-Risk Jobs: Is it worth the consequences?
Did you notice that not only do we work the most dangerous jobs, we are also expected to always do them, in any setting?.
A box needs moving? Call a man, and let his back break instead.
Something broke down in the classroom and you don’t know what’s gonna happen next? Have a male student deal with it.
Need to work with dangerous implements? Always hire a man, evn though we put less thought into PPE usage.
When it comes to workplace safety, we often bear the brunt of the risk. Across North America, Europe, and beyond, men face a higher likelihood of succumbing to work-related injuries compared to women. In Canada, for instance, over 97% of reported workplace fatalities between 1993 and 2005 involved men. Similarly, in 2012, a staggering 92% of all workplace fatalities in the US and 96% in Australia were men.
Same was reported in the US:
https://www.publichealthpost.org/databyte/men-hard-at-work/ …and in the UK as well: Fatal injuries – in 2022/23, 129 (96%) of all worker fatalities were to male workers, a similar proportion to earlier years.
As we can see, men working in high-risk occupations encounter a variety of hazards. These include exposure to physical dangers like machinery, electricity, or hazardous chemicals. Moreover, there’s the ever-present threat of violence and psychological strain. Added to this mix are societal expectations tied to masculinity, often dubbed as “hypermasculinity” or “hegemonic masculinity”. These norms demand that men exhibit physical toughness and fearlessness in the face of danger, this devil-may-care attitude that sees taking care of oneself or using proper PPE as signs of weakness or cowardice.
Consequences on Physical Health
Recent studies show that preventable factors are the main culprits behind men facing a higher risk of premature death, according to the World Health Organization.
A survey by Cleveland Clinic revealed that only half of adult men surveyed (1,174 in total) regularly go for check-ups. Surprisingly, a whopping 72% said they’d rather scrub toilets than make appointments with their doctors. This is insane to hear until you remember that going to the doctor, to many, is an admission that one might not be up to his full potential. They might be injured or sick. That means showing weakness.
In a world that makes us obsessed with being stoic 110% of the time, showing weakness of any kind is the ultimate sin, therefore it makes sense that scrubbing a toilet is preferable to admitting to someone that we are hurting.
“Men tend to be stubborn about a lot of things, with taking care of their health usually near the top of the list,” noted Eric Klein, M.D., chairman of Cleveland Clinic’s Glickman Urological & Kidney Institute.
Many guys worry that admitting they have health issues or asking for help might make them look weak or less manly. In lots of cultures, there’s this expectation that guys should just grin and bear it, keep quiet about pain, and not talk about feelings. This makes it tough for guys to open up about health problems and get the help they need.
Plus, there’s the issue of work. A lot of guys feel like they can’t take time off for medical appointments because of their jobs. And on top of that, guys usually know less about their health compared to women, who often take charge of health stuff at home.
Prostate Cancer: A Clear Example
Recent studies are showing that a lot of guys aren’t really clued in when it comes to prostate health. Almost half of us (that’s 49%) don’t even know where their prostate gland is located, and a whopping 78% have no idea about the physical symptoms that might be a sign of trouble.
To make matters worse, women are 27% more likely than men to spot these symptoms (yes, they know more about our genital health than we do, that’s how bad we are at this). So, having a solid support system around you is key to getting guys to see a doctor when something seems off. Surprisingly, about one-third of guys who get diagnosed with prostate cancer say it was their partners who picked up on the warning signs, and another 35% admit their partners had to push them to see a doctor.
But it’s not just partners who can make a difference. Almost 40% of guys who were diagnosed with prostate cancer said seeing someone they knew go through it made them realize they needed to take their own health more seriously.
The thing is, a lot of guys are hesitant to address health concerns, even when it’s something as serious as prostate cancer. This just shows how big of a deal it is that men often avoid going to the doctor, even when it could save their lives. Prostate cancer is super common among us, but because many don’t know much about it and aren’t keen on seeing a doctor, it often gets overlooked until it’s too late.
This whole situation with prostate health shines a light on a bigger issue: men not taking their health seriously enough. And that is because we were taught NOT to care. We were taught to focus on work and school but no one put aside the time to tell us how to do other basic things like cook healthy for ourselves, clean our habitat and keep our body in check because a woman always did that. The findings from these studies make it clear that we need better education and support systems to get guys to prioritize their health and break down the barriers that keep them from seeking medical care.
And let’s not forget, the fact that women are more clued in about symptoms and push for health screenings more than men do says a lot about societal views on masculinity and health. It’s almost like health is a feminine thing, or a space to be inhabited only by women. Then we wonder why our life expectancy is much shorter than theirs.
Consequences on Mental and Emotional Health
Because of all these teachings from an early age that forces us to be tough, to keep our feelings hidden, and never show vulnerability we see just what kind of consequences that has on mental health especially. In the U.S., we guys are facing a suicide rate that’s a whopping 3.6 times higher than women. And a big reason for this is that we are still just not big on seeking help for our mental health issues.
The thing is, going to therapy or counseling can feel, again, like admitting defeat in front of everyone. It goes against everything we’ve been taught about what being strong and independent means.
Plus, it doesn’t help that many experiences of trying to open up are met with rejection by even those close to us. I’ve had many clients up and tell me that their friends, their family members, even their partners criticized them or mocked them for recognizing out loud that they were struggling. Of course we’re gonna be scared of being judged or seen as weak if we admit they’re struggling emotionally or mentally, if we know that’s happened before to others or even to us. And that is absolute bullshit. To have someone close to you muster the courage to open up and immediately bring them back down? That person is part of the problem and should immediately have their beliefs re-checked, period.
To make matters worse, a lot of therapy settings feel more geared towards women, which can make guys feel out of place or uncomfortable. And there’s also a shortage of male therapists or counselors, which means we don’t always have options we feel comfortable talking to. Don’t even mention the part about being actually learned about this stuff. I’ve faced therapists who had no idea what the common link was between high suicide risk, high addiction risk, and how masculinity played a role in all of this.
As a result, guys have a lot of reasons to keep their struggles to themselves, which makes mental health issues like depression and anxiety even worse, and in many cases sadly, leads to tragic outcomes like suicide.
The whole idea of what it means to be masculine and how it messes with guys’ emotional well-being doesn’t stop there. From a young age, we are told that emotions are for the weak and that they have no place in us. So, we grow up not really knowing how to deal with our feelings or even how to recognize them. This means that any situation that involves using our emotional resources it’s gonna be hellish to navigate for us.
If we were to compare breakups, confrontations with strangers, negotiating benefits at work, facing inner demons, or any other situation you can think of that really moves our emotions with let’s say, videogames of different difficulty; then no matter the game, it’s like we are already playing with one hand tied to our backs because of how skilless we are.
At worst we try to outthink the problem (because we’ve been taught to be rational and calculating and that logic is better) and spend countless nights unable to sleep properly, wide awake still trying to figure out a solution. We become more tense, more restless, anxiety shoots up instead of down, our appetite suffers, headaches become more common, and a whole slew of other symptoms. Because we are using the wrong tool, the only tool we have for a job that needs a robust emotional system.
The only negative emotion that sometimes gets a free pass because of our sex is anger. That means that every negative thing we feel gets funneled into becoming anger because it’s the only way we can make ourselves heard. Is it really strange then, that so many men struggle to keep their anger in check and can turn violent against those he doesn’t want to hurt, when it’s the only way for all those things he’s been shouldering for years to finally come out? It’s why I’ve seen that men with anger issues are some of the quickest to change here in therapy: as soon as you actually listen to him and allow other ways of venting, those explosions of anger disappear.
What’s the point of learning all this?
I spent an inordinate amount of time writing and researching all these points to arrive at one conclusion: that almost every big problem that affects our well being, our health and our relationships stems in some way from the old, obsolete idea of what masculinity is. That idea has taught us that hurting ourselves, in overt or subtle ways, is somehow making us more masculine and therefore worthy of affection and respect.
A drunk that’s slowly incubating cirrosys is not masculine. An overworked workaholic that forgot what it’s like to have projects of his own is not masculine. A retired athlete due to an injury that takes his frustration out on his family is not manly. A man too scared to face his inner demons and conquer them because he’s been taught that feelings are gay is not manly.
We’ve been raised as cowards and masochists. It’s time we put a stop to it.